The Parable of My Cousin’s Meth Lab

Minus the entertaining sales pitch, wagon, and tangible product, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are the modern-day equivalent of traveling snake oil salesmen. After all, the stimulus package is a panacea that, while at a bargain price, is unlikely to fix the economy or, at the very least, clear up your Herpes in time for Spring Break.

It’s been on my mind quite a bit (the stimulus package, not your Herpes) and I realized it’s just like my cousin’s crystal meth lab.

We have some winners in the family, but when we lose, we lose big time. That would be the case of my cousin Mike. (It is generally agreed I lie somewhere between total crap and mediocre.)

Mike the mental giant and his brother-in-law borrowed my grandfather’s RV to go fishing at the lake. My 80-something-year old grandfather found it odd they didn’t take any fishing gear. Ignorance is bliss and as long as they brought it back with a full tank, he didn’t care.

These budding entrepreneurs had been supplying the county with enough meth to fuel a decade’s worth of Richard Simmons “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” marathons….allegedly, of course.

Their recipe for meth included minor explosions and setting the RV on fire. For fear of adding another page to his police wrap, Mike fled the RV before the police showed, leaving his injured brother-in-law to die (makes for awkward family gatherings). When the fuzz arrived, they found the RV in flames and the evidence “all burned up,” as we say in the hood.

At the end of the day, grandfather was out an expensive RV, no one could prove or disprove a darn thing, and my cousin got away scot free.

I’m anticipating the Left will declare the “success” of the stimulus package as loudly as my cousin declared his innocence. I just hope America realizes there’s no fishing gear before the mid-term elections.

Global Warming Cooling Sex

London Times - Green expert: Limit kids to two

“A UK sustainable development expert says you should think twice about making any more babies –lest you want to see the world a blacker place. The way Jonathon Porritt sees it, anyone with more than two kids is “irresponsible” about the way they’re affecting the environment. The way he sees it, we should be shifting our monies away from curing illnesses and push them toward increasing contraception and abortion.”

So, Whitney Houston had it wrong when she crooned, “I believe that children are our future.” Apparently, kids are a juggernaut of carbon footprints destroying the ozone, Earth, and life as we know it. (Say it like Keith Olbermann)

My carbon footprint is average, and some would say, quite stunning with a fresh pedi and some stiletto Jimmy Choo’s. But even a crack-filled Whitney knows it’s not that simple. And, amazingly, so do I.

My problem is I like my global warming conspiracies fully cooked with legitimate empirical data. As they say you can take the girl out of the debate team, but you can’t take the debate team out of the girl (well, actually you can, and that slut was voted team captain every year).

On global warming, Al Gore and some junk science sprinkled with subconscious misanthropy seem to be enough for our friends on the Left. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a good environmental steward…or maybe I just wanted to be a stewardess with a sexy green uniform. It was all so clear before the Maker’s Mark, but then, aren’t most things?

Add living in a DC's virtual gas chamber of hope and change to the Maker’s Mark and I’m suffocating on manufactured bipartisanship. So in that spirit, I’m making amends for my parents and ancestors, some of whom had more kids than the Duggers.

That’s right people! I’m offering the next generation green reparations before they can go on Oprah to blame their drug addiction and/or sexual orientation on their parents’ irresponsible environmental practices.

Luckily, the captains of change have provided me with the means. Within his first week in office, President Obama struck down the Bush administration's ban on giving federal money to international groups that perform abortions.

I'm reaching across the isle and the Rio Grande. Using your tax dollars, I will be vacationing in Playa del Carmen, teaching the locals to sort properly their plastics from their glass, and then aborting myself on YouTube...probably with the help of the Mexican version of Planned Parenthood and Al Gore.

PS - Please forward an invitation to Nancy Pelosi.